dmoney

I literally just got sick to my stomach.

Don't act like you've never done something you spoke against.

Holy shit, what more must I do to get the point across to you that I don't care? Obviously rolling my eyes, mere grunts as repsonses, and stone cold face doesn't do the trick.

"There is joy somewhere in all of this, but I cannot see it yet. I am praying for that clarity."

I never know what I want more; someone to sit with me and comfort me as I cry or to just be alone with my tears.

and ended too soon.
It was seriously so relaxing and fun to go crazy and be surrounded by true friends and be completely care and worry free for a whole entire day. Leaving released a lot of invisible emotion and truths. We're growing up. How many more trips do we have together while we're still this close and still within this young and naive mindset? How much longer do we have to still be each other's closest pals? How long until we're encompassed in a completely new and different environment than each other and our group of friends becomes more diverse and my closest friend won't be you and for you it won't be me. Times a tickin' and holy shit I'm terrified. I can't handle it alone.I wish I could express how unbearably scared I am. I'm in a constant state of fear and stress and I try to avoid the unavoidable but it's not working. I'm not okay with this at all.

GoGOGOGOGOGO <3

I'm grumpy and emotional over rational things but to intensify the feelings of irritability I'm bleeding. TMI? Deal.
That's all. I'm too frustrated to go into detail.

I'm unsure of what or how you process things but it is absolutely NOT okay for you to be a huge prick to me for NO reason at all and then talk to my friends. Just saying.

Remember when we were rather good friends and you didn't think you were so much better than everyone?
We're growing up and growing apart. In a year so many people will be nothing but a familiar face in a crowd.

I like this;

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens;
a time to be born and a time to die...
a time to weep and a time to laugh...
a time to mourn and a time to dance...
a time to be silent and a time to speak..." Ecc. 3:1-8

I was babysitting Mina and Wolfy today and as I tucked five year old Mina in to bed she began to talk of Maddie and how she was her best friend. She went on to say how much she missed her and then started to sob. I rocked her in my arms, silently comforting her as tears streamed down my face as well. Although the day the mourning stops is beyond anything I can grasp, it's nice to know that God has promised that day will come.

After a day of cross training, lacrosse, and yoga I feel good and am in dire need of a shower.


I miss Maddie <3<3<3

I got my tattoo today and I lovveee it =)

I'm dumb.
I don't know what I was thinking.



BUT. at the same time, a nice gesture done for someone who was once my best friend should not be frowned upon. I'm not trying to start talking or be friends. I didn't even want a response. You're crazy. Calm down. I hope you don't think you got any points across or accomplished anything other than ridiculing yourself. Thank you for being my friends and my source of midnight entertainment.

Most of the time I'm rather okay but every now and then something is said or a memory is conjured up, causing reality to sink in just a little bit more, re-breaking a piece of heart that had just finished mending. In the beginning a reaction remained misplaced, and my mind emptied. But I soon found myself crying every day, missing a week of school, neglecting to get dressed or put on make-up. It got to the point where when I finally did allow myself to prep for an outing, I had actually forgotten what I could look like with the proper care. I became capable of reciting her story without a shudder in my voice or a leak from my eyes. I started to smile and laugh with meaning. But now I am at the point where if I speak her name or take a stroll down memory lane, a lump takes residence in my throat and tears gather at the brim of my eyes. For a time I no longer mourned her death because I feel so confident in knowing that she is out of misery and in a better place, a place that I believe she wouldn't leave for the world. Instead I mourned for the broken hearts she left behind. I still am left in a place of discomfort and grief while thinking of the loving people that spend their time missing her, but for some reason I am brought back to the sadness of losing her. It just creeps up on me at random times.

Madeline Lester was a bubbly girl. Even at age three she was full of spunk. Always sarcastic and loaded with trickery. I could tell countless stories that would give you just a glimpse of the little bundle of joy she really was. She loved tooting, and making it known when she let one loose. In fact, she even changed the lines to a song from "we're going to the zoo zoo zoo and you come too too too" to "and you can come toot toot toot" snickering every time it was recited. She had a sign above her bed that read "allergic to bad breath" and mints at every corning of her hospital bed. She never hesistated to let anyone, even strangers, know when she didn't like their breath. Even while on ECMO, her life support, she remained awake and playing, laughing, and making others laugh. Even with tubes down her throat, making it impossible for her to utter a word, she still smiled and played games. No one ever wanted to give up on her. Nurses brought their families to meet her and came to visit every chance they had. She was just so beautiful and high spirited, all thanks to her wonderful parents of course. She made it over so many obstacles, going into cardiac arrest three times and being saved each time. Miracle after miracle happened, no one thought she would go. Madeline Willoughby Lester is someone that hundreds of people will never forget.

Tomorrow is a blood drive in Maddie's name.
If anyone is interested in giving and 18 ask me for directions.


Tomorrow = memorial
Monday = funeral service/burial.
This is all going to solidify the facts so much and I'm dreading it.
I'm not prepared look at my emotions written out so I'm not really posting much, it's coming though.

and I don't think I'll stop in the near future.

R.I.P. Maddie girl.
You touched so many lives
and so many hearts grew to love you.

My dad just came in and sternly told me to clean my room because he's tired of looking at it. I simply told him to not look then. Ughhhh fucckk me, I'm moody.

First off let me say, I just showered two days in a row, major feat =)=)
After I got out of the shower I decided I might as well clip my nails. I began to feel a little flustered as my drawer-rummaging seemed to be leading to failure. Who the hell takes three nail clippers and stows them elsewhere? I have no other choice but to resort to using the petty, dull clippers. After many minutes are spent on my nails with the lousiest of lousy clippers I venture to room and plop myself on my bed. A shiny glimmer catches my eye, and as I turn my head I find three nail clippers residing on my night stand. I am an idiot.

I hope everyone is thrilled that I made an entire story about nail clippers.

Honesty, or the absence of, can make or break it.